The Monologues
by fanfictionator
Summary: What happens when Hermione overhears Draco talking about himeself? What will happen when blackmail is brought up? How will mayo spread some light, or lack there of, on the situation? Read to find out.
1. Draco's Monologue

**A/N: This is my first published story on ! YAY! I have three other stories but I don't have internet access on that computer yet! Read and Review! Make a fellow author happy!**

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter! MWAHAHAHA! It's mine!... Gotcha! Darn... I was starting to like that idea!

**DRACO'S MONOLOGUE**

"Is there anything more… Beautiful than that?" Draco Malfoy asked himself aloud as he mooned over his reflection in the green, head boy's bathroom next to the green head boy's room he had taken to calling home.

In the next room was nosy, infamous bookworm Hermione Granger (who happened to be head girl). She stood next to the thin wall separating her bathroom from his listening intently wondering whom, exactly, he was talking to and what, precisely, he was speaking of.

To sate her curiousity, she decided, she had to sneak over to the door and peek into his bathroom. Along with being well-read and nosy our dear Hermione was also clumsy, and as such tripped over her robes twice ("Freaking' robes…ssshhh!" she had whispered) before deciding it far safer to crawl (in her reasoning, since she was closer to the ground it would hurt less, and make less noise, if she were to fall again). Fumbling with the door handle, trying to make as little noise as possible, Hermione opened the door that ajoined the room up a large crack. Pressing her eye to the crack and her ear against the door, shivering as her skin met the cold wood, she was amused to see the scene that lay before her like one of her favorite muggle comedies.

"My hair… shines like a thousand suns!" Hermione choked. Then she realized that he might hear her and she stopped her laughing.

__

That was weird… Sounded like a dying screwt… Anyway…

The platinum hair was being mussed by his hands and he was enjoying the compliments… from himself.

"Those eyes…" he growled sexily, or as sexily as one can growl at one's self, "They're like stars that sparkle in the night… Silver eyes have more resemblance to stars than blue ones… Who ever came up with that bloody saying anyway? Eh… who cares?" Getting as close to the mirror as possible without kissing it, he heard something like giggling.

__

It's probably Granger snoring…

"_The arrogant 'slytherin prince' has a weakness… Himself! Hahaha!_" the brunette girl thought to herself with another giggle.

"Mmmmmm…." He was starting to speak and and fondle his nose, but she could not interpret his words so she pressed closer against the door squishing it open just a bit farther.

"My ears are so…hmm… What's the right word? … Voluptuous! Yeah… and there's millions out there who would like to bite it… To get a nibble of me…_growl_… Maybe I should sell nibbles on HeBay or whatever the muggles call it!"

Snickering into her fingers, Hermione decided to record everything else he was going to say. Pulling out her wand, she muttered _Reccudo!_ and her wand began documenting every sound. She held the wand to her mouth and muttered, "This is Hermione Jane Granger reperoting; Slimy, Slytherin, speaks spectacularly of his, so spoken, 'spectacular self'!"

Moving the wand to the wall, she resumed her eavesdropping.

"Would you take a look at that?" His foot was on the black counter and he had decided to set his butt on it as well. Examining his foot, he spoke, "My feet are like… muggle rowboat oars! They make the water ripple, they break the surface and push me along."

She couldn't take it anymore. Her hands were still over her opened mouth, but they didn't muffle the snort that came from her nose.

"_Merlin! He is so mental!"_ she thought.

Draco's head whipped around to the wall, though thankfully not the door.

"What was that?" he whispered to himself. "Oi! GRANGER!!"

Keeping as quiet as possible, she stripped her clothes and placed a towel on her body, moving away from the door and, for once, soundlessly shutting the door. Muttering a spell under her breath, her hair was wet and she appeared to have been taking a bath or a shower.

She walked to the door she had so recently sat before and opened it, "What, Malfoy?" she asked her voice filled with casual contempt, if such a thing is possible.

"Were your filthy little ears listening to me, _Granger_?" He glanced at her hair then down to her towel, pausing at the sight of what little cleavage her towel didn't cover completely. After a moment, the icy glare was sent once more to her face.

"No, _Malfoy_, why would I want to listen to what you have to say? It should be obvious to even you that I was bathing."

He said nothing at first and stared into her ginger eyes coolly, "Obviously…"

He stepped back and slammed the door. Unfortunately for her toes and her nose, she was partially in the doorway.

"Bloody hell! Aghhh!" She muttered a healing spell twice for her big toe and the gushing nostril. Once everything was well she noticed that Malfoy's contempt had been his undoing. Since she was in the door when he closed it it had stayed open a slit. She whispered the incantation to replace her wet hair and towel with a long plait and pajamas.

Just as he resumed his speech she resumed her spot and her recording, "My lips are _sooo_ BIG! That everyone, girls and gays that is, just want to… _BLBLBLBLBLBLBBBLLLLB_!," she once again restrained her laughter as Malfoy ran his hand over his lips repeatedly to create the sound effect.

"I have the butt of a black man… well minus a few muscles," Hermione thought of his butt and could only think of the flat one she remembered from second year, the only time she had let her hormones take charge and checked him out.

"_Yea and minus a few inches. He is delusional!_" she thought with another small snort of derision.

A glint in the mirror, caught his attention. "Oh, my hair shines like a thousand suns! My eyes sparkle like stars in the night sky!" He brushed his hair back from his face and saw his ears. "My ears are so voluptuous! Someone out there wants to just nibble them…" he pulled his earlobe and let it snap back into place, "And my feet are like rowboat oars… they make the water ripple. My lips are _soo_ big! Bunches of girls want to… _BLBLBLBLBLBBBLLLLBLB!_" 'again with the lip thing!' Hermione thought,_ "_And my butt…" his pale hand brushed across his posterior and he smirked at himself in the mirror, "is one of a black man! Well… minus a few muscles…….. My hair shines like a thousand suns… and my eyes are like stars in the night sky! My ears are so voluptuous! ….."

He continued speaking but Hermione had to humiliate him.

She stood and took a deep breath, _Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Footsteps were heard and the door creaked open.

"What do you want now Granger?" He tilted his head and let out an angry sigh like he was upset because at yet anther interruption.

A smile spread over her lips. She started skipping around the room… She put on a mocking, manly voice and said, "My hair shines like a thousand suns, and my eyes are the color of stars in the night! My ears are so voluptuous!" She was still skipping around imitating his actions and Draco was now out of his bathroom through her bathroom and bedroom and they were running around the common room in circles.

"I SWEAR GRANGER… IF ANYONE HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU'RE DEAD!" he screeched in the manliest way possible.

"And my lips are SOO BIG!" she continued, still managing to out run him, "Someone just wants to… BLBLBLBLBLBLBBBLLLBLB! And I have the butt of a black man!" she slapped her butt, "Hahahehehaha!" She doubled over causing her to stop and him to run into, then stumble back a few steps and he stopped chasing her around in circles.

She stood up straight again and smirked at him. Starting to run again, he chased her not exactly knowing what he would do once he caught her.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"MY HAIR SHINES…"

**A/N: So what did you think? Let me know! Just push the GO! button and make my day! Thanks!**

**Oh yea! Thanks goes out to my Beta reader... the best one ever... she's really cool!... she should beta for anyone who wants a rocking story! THANKS QUIK-WIT! **

**Give me tips on how to finish this story. I have afew ideas but I would love to use one of yours! **

**PEACE!**


	2. Hermione's Draco Monologue

**A/N: I hope you enjoy! Let me know by pushing the little GO! button at the bottom! Thanks**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter unfortunately... If I did though... Neah... I won't even go there.

**Hermione's Draco Monologue**

"Hahahaha, you guys really should have heard it! I couldn't stop laughing even when I was hiding! That's how he found me actually!" Hermione had Ginny, Parvarti, and Luna over in her Head Common room and was regaling them with what she had grown fond of calling Draco's Monologue.

Malfoy had mentioned at lunch that he had Quidditch practice and, thusly, would be gone for a while. Since he was out Hermione had decided to have a few friends over (something Malfoy surely would've killed her if she had done while he was there).

"I thought you said you recorded it! I really want to know what happened!" Ginny was eating a BLT sandwich and got a bit of mayo on her chin. After giggling and giving her a napkin, Hermione stood up.

"Well I did, but I accidentally deleted it! I mistook it for my recording of Ron snoring." All the girls laughed and Hermione went and grabbed her water off her bed stand. "It really was hilarious though. He was like all… _I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts! _O yea… Sorry it's a muggle thing." The three other witches looked at each other and kept on eating their dinners.

"So what was he actually doing? I don't really get it… He was talking about himself in a weird way… that's all I got out of what you told us." Parvati was always a little bit slow but Hermione decided that they needed a full out explanation, or even better a demonstration.

She placed her sandwich on her plate and stood up.

She stroked her hair and said in the same mocking, manly voice, "My hair shines like a thousand suns!!" The girls laughed but she was only getting started. "My eyes sparkle like stars in the night!" Pushing her hair back, she rubbed her ear. "My ears are so… Voluptuous! Thousands of girls and gays want a bite of it! Maybe I should sell nibbles on HeBay… Or whatever muggles call it… but my lips are so BIG! People just want to… BLBLBLBLBBBBLLLLBBB!" She ran her fingers over her mouth in the same way he did the previous night. The way she kept a straight face made the girls laugh all the harder, "My feet are like muggle row boat oars… they make the water… ripple!" Making a weird motion with her hand seemed to cause another burst of laughter, "And my butt," slapping her own hindquarters seemed to have an effect last night with Draco (his usually pale face had gotten a hint of pink to it), so she did it again, "is like one of a black man!" Ginny was laughing so hard that she rolled off the couch and fell on the ground.

"Wow…" That was all the girls could say through their giggles.

"My hair shines like a thousand suns! And my eyes are like stars in the sky! Those ears! Ahhhh… They are so… VOLUPTUOUS! My feet are like row boat oars… they make the water ripple! ……….. And I have the butt," Once again she added a long pause for extreme dramatic effect, "OF A BLACK MAN!-"

"I WARNED YOU GRANGER! I-SAID- NOT-TO-TELL!" Hermione looked up to see Draco standing only a foot or so away from her! Her feet carried her quickly away from him. Following close behind, Draco wondered what he would do once he caught her this time. Last night he just stared angrily at her as he gripped her arms until she wiggled free. Something was different this time though. Laughter was filling the room. Not from Hermione, but from her friends.

Something sloppy hit him in the head.

"Haha! Your hair doesn't shine like a thousand suns now! There is Mayonnaise in it now! Haaaahaahahaha!" Ginny was pointing at him with a finger covered it white-goopy stuff.

Reaching up to his hair, he pulled the mayo out of it and slapped it to the floor. "GRANGER!" Hermione was across the room from him and they were circling like wrestlers in a cage.

"Malfoy…" The way she spoke made him feel like a bug looking up and seeing a boot!

"Gran-"

_Squash_!

His face was now the location of a rather large piece of mayonassioe cover lettuce. He stood absolutely still for a moment feeling the cold. Slimy veggitable slide down his nose.

He dragged his hand across his face to rid himself of the bothersome garnish and spoke in a slow, forced calm voice, "Alright, Granger, let's settle this like civilized witches and wizards," he sent a glare at Ginny seeming to indicate she was the most un-civilized of all, as he turned his attention back to Hermione he saw she, Parvati and Luna, all with half-eaten sandwiches raised, "No… Wait!"

They all ran toward him with their mayo covered food in hand. "AHHH!" He made a dash towards the exit and they followed close on his heels.

Making it through the portrait, he kept running. Unfortunately for him, he didn't run fast enough for Ginny's arm. Her sandwich covered is back and he turned around to see all four girls laughing at him.

"I SWEAR GRANGER… YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" No reply was given. Just a glob of mayonnaise.

He turned to go to the Slytherin Dorms for a shower.

"Oi! Malfoy!" He turned to see Hermione standing by herself.

"What?" He wasn't completely defeated and so he smirked.

Turning around skipping, she yelled, "My hair shines like a thousand suns…"

The smirk slowly slipped from his face as he decided he needed revenge, but how?

**A/N: So what did you think? As good as the first chapter? Better? Worse? Let me know please!! Make me happy by pushing that button! Oh! The next chapter will be fun(Draco will get his revenge in that one... coming soon)! Thanks!**


	3. Hermione's Monologue

**A/N: Heyo! I think I got a bit off track here. Give me as much tips as possible by clicking the little GO! button at the bottom! Thanks!**

**Hermione's Monologue**

Hermione returned from the library around eight-thirty. All day, she felt bad for what her and her friends had done to Draco. He avoided her (which was normal… usually) in their classes and in the halls. Normally, she wouldn't care, but he was actually kind of a sensitive guy or something.

She walked in to see him and Blaise doing something in the common room. Blaise looked up and acknowledged her presence unlike Draco.

"Want to play Granger? I could use the extra money for our next Hogsmead trip." Blaise was apparently winning whatever game they were playing and Hermione stared down at the cards.

"What are you playing?" Draco averted his attention to the fireplace while his best friend spoke to his nemasis.

"It's wizzard poker. Bet anything you want." She glanced down at the money in between to two boys and the deck of cards. Poker was one of her talents to many people's surprise. Every summer on the Fourth of July, she would go to her uncle's house and play the game with her cousins for hours and return home with all the winnings.

"Um…Yeah, I'll be right back." Going to her room, she grabbed a ten dollar bill and her wizzard money pouch (anything meant muggle money right?). Throwing the contents into a pile she grabbed the deck. Dealing them out, she stared at her cards.

They were good. Not the best, but good.

She had a full house and she searched the two boys for clues. Blaise apparently had a terrible hand, but was trying to hide it. Draco on the other hand had a decent hand according to his face. Draco threw in fifteen galleons. Blaise matched it and so did Hermione. Draco threw in another ten and Blaise went out. Hermione matched.

Malfoy put everything in.

"Malfoy, If I didn't know you were rich, I wouldn't play with you. You might bet it all and wind up starving to death." He smirked at her, but said nothing. The grey eyes were focused on hers.

"Granger, If you win, I will go in front of the school tomorrow at breakfast and do my little speech you find so funny." He smirked and raised his eyebrows a bit.

"What if you win?" Hermione tipped her head a bit to add some effect. At her question, Draco's smirk grew.

"You have to give a speech like mine that I write for you." Studying his face, she glanced from her cards to his face.

Blaise was clueless and asked, "What are you talking about?" Draco shushed him by putting up a hand with out looking away from Hermione.

"_What if he really does have a good hand? Merlin… He could just be a good bluff." _Choosing to think that he was bluffing she shook her head and held up her hand to shake his.

He looked at it as if it was covered in mud. "Verbal agreement, Granger." She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I agree Malfoy. Now start practicing your little monologue." Laying her cards down, he looked struck. She smiled until he lay his cards down. Now he was smiling and she was the one looking struck. He had a royal flush.

"No, I think it should be you practicing!" He started laughing. Blaise, who was still clueless stared at both of them as if they were both mental.

"What are you two talking about?!" The Gryffindor girl did not respond, she was holding still and staring off in defeat.

Draco pushed him towards the door and said, "You'll find out tomorrow." Refusing for a few minutes Blaise grudgingly walked back to the Slytherin Common room.

After pushing his cousin, through the portrait, Draco looked up at Hermione. " 'Night Granger!" Without waiting for a response, he stalked into his room. Hermione placed her head in her arms. Finally getting up and plopping in her bed, she fell asleep.

"OI! GRANGER!" She woke to see Draco sticking his head through her door and yelling at her. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes she sat up to see him place a piece of parchment on her floor.

"Oh no." Getting out of her bed, she reached out and picked up the paper.

_Granger, Have fun! You must stand up at your table and get everyone's attention before you say this._

_My hair doesn't shine at all! It is as muddy brown as the blood that runs through my veins._

_My ears are so little they remind many people of fish ears! _

_My lips are so dinky and the only person out there who wants to snog them is Weasly!_

_My butt is so tiny that people can't tell were my legs stop and my back starts!_

_I think that is good enough. Enjoy_

_D.M._

Glaring at the paper, she regretted ever playing wizzard poker with the two.

Getting dressed as slowly as possible, she walked out of her room to see Draco standing there.

"I thought I would escort you to breakfast to make sure you don't skip it." Grumbling under her breath she walked past him and he followed closely behind her. "What? Did you think I would pass this up for anything? I wouldn't miss this for the world." She slugged him in the gut and he doubled over a bit. "Geesh, Granger, I know you have a fist, you don't have to remind me."

"Shove off Malfoy! You get your pay at breakfast! That doesn't mean I have to put up with you now!" Pushing past him, she walked rather fast towards the Great Hall.

The small girl placed herself between Harry and Ron and watched as a certain blonde boy walked into the Great Hall. His eyes were on her and he even wiggled his eyebrows at her. This caused her to flush and look down at her empty plate.

"Anttt cha ganna' eath anytin' 'Mione?" Ron was speaking with food in his mouth as usual and she couldn't understand a word he was saying.

"What?" He rolled his eyes and swallowed.

"I said, aren't you going to eat anything?" She looked from him to Harry and placed some food on her plate. Glancing up towards the Slytherin table she saw Malfoy looking at her. He lipped "Now!" she shook her head and he tilted his with his eyebrows raised. Her hands covered her face and she stood up.

Malfoy was smirking.

Everyone looked at her. Blood rushed to her cheeks. She stood on the bench and stared at everyone. " My hair doesn't shine at all! It is as muddy brown as the blood that runs through my veins." People started whispering and muttering. The warmth from her feet and forehead seemed to leave.

"My ears are so little they remind many people of fish ears!" Girls glanced at each other and were giggling. Many boys were just staring at her in either confused awe, or disgust. She averted her attention to a certain blonde boy who was silent, but had a deadly look on his face. A smirk lay on his lips. Not the normal Malfoy Smirk, but one more sinister and more…conniving.

"My lips are so dinky and the only person out there who wants to snog them is Weasly!" Ron choked on his pumpkin juice which he was drinking while staring at her in confusion.

"What's going on Hermione?" Ron had obviously cleared his throat and was trying to pull her down. He got her down, but not on her own will or even with her consent. Embarrasment got to her and apparently caused her to faint and fall into Ron's arms.

"What the jamalama! 'Mione, G'roff!" Ron hadn't noticed that her eyes had rolled shut and that she was unconscious.

"Ron! You prat! Let's take her to Madame Pomfrey." Harry pulled at Hermione's small wrists. Swining her small body over his shoulder, so he could carry the girl to the hospital wing he started walking.

Ron was standing behind him dumbly and eventually got his feet moving.

Draco saw her faint and stood up out of his seat. His friends turned to him and he sat back down, but he was earnestly looking at Hermione. He watched as Harry carried the bushy haired girl out of the Great Hall.

Blaise was laughing histericaly and shook Draco's shoulder. "That's what you were talking about last night!? O Merlin! Good one man!" They young man turned to another one of his friends and started talking about how funny the previous episode was.

Draco couldn't take it anymore. He was the reason she was in the current of state. Standing up and walking towards the door, he didn't care if people thought he was going after Granger. She was his Granger. "_What's got into you man! Merlin, this is Granger! Why are you caring about her?" _Why was he caring about her. He would soon find out because he was just outside the door to the hospital wing.

Harry and Ron were walking out of the wing as he entered. The both glared at him. Harry spoke. "What are _you_ doing here,_ Malfoy_?" After giving Draco a good stare he turned and looked at Hermione.

"I needed to talk to Madame Pomfrey about a certain healing potion, _Potter._ What are you two like girls or something? Can't go anywhere without each other?" After walking between the two and hitting shoulders abnormally hard with them he mocked a bow. " 'xcuse me _ladies._" After turning around he walked towards the Healer offices.

Ron and Harry wanted to hex him so bad. They decided against it because if Madame Pomfrey had another patient, she wouldn't be as attentive to Hermione.

Before checking to make sure that Harry and Ron had left. Draco walked over to Hermione's bed. She seemed to be sleeping, or still unconscious. The head boy sat down next to her.

He sighed.

"Merlin! Granger why are you doing this to me!? I am supposed to hate you! I want to hate you! I need to hate you!" He didn't really want her to hear, but he needed to let it out. "When you laughed at me it made me mad! You are probably one of the only people who know how to piss me off!" He didn't notice she was staring at him. "Now I feel like a prat for making you pass out and all… even if you treated me worse… hhh." He got up and left.

She watched him leave, and found no will to speak.

What was going on? She sat up and wondered what had just happened. She thought out loud like she usually did in class. "Was he feeling guilty for what he had me do?" After making sure the school healer wasn't near by, she threw back her sheets and ran towards the hall. Opening the door, she ran into someone.

"Oh, I am so sorry-" She cut off her voice when she saw who she had almost knocked over. "Draco, I am sorry." He was in the process of helping her up but suddenly stopped. Her arm was still in his grip.

"What? What did you call me?" She flushed and he looked at her. "Never mind. Hey… er ah… I am… Well I'm sorry… about earlier." She noticed his cheeks were getting a bit pink.

"It's all right." She muttered it quite quietly. She looked at his face and couldn't take it. "_No! Hermione Jane Granger! Stop this right now! He will never be your friend, he will never be nice to you, he will never be what you think he might!" _She looked up at him and couldn't bear to look into his grey eyes. Walking rather fast past him she started to run.

Draco had no idea of what happened. But she had called him 'Draco', not 'Malfoy'.

Maybe she would call him this more often. He decided right there that he didn't mind if that was her monologue.

**A/N: So what's your ideas about future chapters? Let me know! Thanks!**


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